[stephenkhoo]

Saturday, 21 January, 2012, 2nd Week, Ordinary Time
THE CAPACITY FOR AUTHENTIC FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE

SCRIPTURE READINGS: 2S 1:1-4; 11-12. 17. 19. 23-27; MK 3:20-21

The book of Sirach says, “Faithful friends are beyond price; No amount can balance their worth.” (Sir 6:15) Indeed, to find a true friend who is your soul mate, identifying with you in your pains, sharing with you your vision of life, values and pursuits is very rare. But if one finds such a friend, then it is worth all the treasures in the world. It is so much better than gold and silver because the purpose of material things is to bring us happiness if at all. But friends give us a joy that the world cannot give. No greater gift can one have in this life than the gift of true friendship. Again the bible says, “A man of many friends may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (Proverb 18:24)

True and loyal friends are however rare and hard to find. Of course, it is equally true that many of us are also not capable of cultivating deep friendships. Even many of our so-called good friends relate with us superficially. We never seem to know how they really feel and think. This is because many of us are afraid of friendships, of commitment and sacrifices. Many find difficulty also in fidelity in friendship, especially in marriage where having extra-marital affairs seem more and more common today. It is difficult to trust in a society where values of honesty, integrity, fidelity and sacrifices are lacking. Yet without a true friend in life, such a life is without much meaning. As Mark Twain once said, “Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.” Today, the scripture readings present to us David and Jesus Christ, both of whom are capable of true friendship and love.

In the case of David, we cannot but be amazed or inspired by his friendship with Jonathan. Upon his death, David was filled with deep sadness and described his relationship with him in these words, “O Jonathan, in your death I am stricken, I am desolate for you, Jonathan my brother. Very dear to me you were, your love to more wonderful than the love of a woman.” We can surmise from this poetic expression of sorrow, David’s deep love for Jonathan. Of course, this friendship is mutual. We read earlier in the book of Samuel how Jonathan defended David from the jealousy of his Father who tried to kill him because he felt that David’s popularity threatened his kingship. But Jonathan always put in a good word for David to his father and even leaked information of his father’s plan to destroy him. Such was the loyalty of friendship between David and Jonathan that even Jonathan’s love for his father cannot be compared to the love he had for David.

But David was not only capable of loving Jonathan, his bosom friend. He extended his love and loyalty to King Saul as well. He gave him due respect and remained steadfast in his devotion to him even when Saul tried to get rid of him. And though he had a chance to kill Saul in self-defence, yet he never laid his hands on him. Instead, patiently, he tried to dialogue with King Saul and assured him of his loyalty and obedience. He never held any resentment against Saul in spite of the sufferings that he had to bear when he was being persecuted. He forgave Saul from the depths of his heart. He only wanted Saul to know that he was his friend and faithful subject, not his enemy or competitor.

Some of us might think that David was crazy and stupid to regard Saul in that manner when he deserved to die more than anyone else. Most of us will retaliate even more cruelly if we have an opportunity to destroy or hit back at our enemies. We might even feel that David wasted the opportunity to take his revenge on him. Instead, he mourned and fasted for him. Yet, in truth, by loving Jonathan and even Saul to such a degree, David demonstrated that he was capable of authentic and sincere love.

Love makes us do crazy things in the eyes of the world. But that is love. It is not calculative or vindictive. St Paul describes it thus, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Cor 13:4-8)

Because love seems crazy, we should not be surprised that Jesus was also branded as crazy by His relatives. In today’s gospel, the evangelist wrote, “Jesus went home, and such a crowd collected that they could not even have a meal. When his relatives heard of this, they set out to take charge of him, convinced he was out of his mind.” They must have thought that Jesus had gone bonkers as He was so passionate about serving the people, healing them and preaching to them about God’s love to the extent that He did not even have time to eat! Besides, they must have heard how He got into trouble with the religious authorities because of His unconventional way of doing things and His apparent heretical teachings.

The question is, where did they get such strength and capacity to love? David could have been resentful of God or of those who had Saul killed. He could have entered into depression at the death of his loved ones. So, too, Jesus could have given up His ministry when faced with discouragement and misunderstanding from the most unexpected quarter, His own family members and relatives. But they did not flinch or react negatively to such oppositions and setbacks.

David accepted the deaths of Saul and Jonathan with dignity and solemnity. He did not hide his feelings of sadness. He did not feel the need to suppress his emotions or to repress them. Nay, he cried like a man who was so in touch with his feelings. He did not feel embarrassed or ashamed to express his grief over their demise. David was a person who was very much integrated emotionally. Unlike him, some of us, especially men, would hide our true feelings. We do not want people to think lowly of us if we cry. We pretend to be brave but inside us, we are crying in emptiness. Such repression of grief will only lead to depression and reactive anger and resentment.

What were the factors that gave David such a holistic integrated personality, one that is capable of love and showing love? Perhaps, David came from a large family of seven brothers with loving parents. He was the youngest and he knew what love entails. A loving family certainly will go a long way in forming our children to be capable of love. A family that teaches forgiveness, compassion and self-sacrifice will help children to grow up to be people capable of love, relationship and sacrifices. If many of us are not capable of love and friendship, it is because we come from broken and dysfunctional families. But one can only be truly human and participate in God’s life and love when one is capable of love.

Most of all, the strength to love comes from our relationship with God, as in the case of David and Jesus. We can sense David’s deep friendship with God especially through the psalms he wrote, expressing the various situations and struggles in his life. Although David was a man who seemed very much active in military warfare, he was also a man deeply rooted in contemplation. He had the gift of both music and literary composition. The psalms that he wrote reflect his deep trust and confidence in the Lord, regardless of the hopeless situation he was in. One can surrender so totally to God and His Will only if one knows God so intimately. If David could forgive Saul and respect him even though he was causing him harm, it was because he recognized Saul as the Lord’s Anointed One. How many of us respect the office of those whom the Lord has appointed over us, especially when we disagree with them?

So the key to love is based on one’s relationship with God. This was the case of Jesus. If He was so crazy in loving the people of God, it was because He was crazily in love with His Father, Abba. He was passionate in love till death, for loving and serving His Father was what Jesus lived for. A beautiful song from Michael W Smith says, “Friends are friends forever if the Lord’s the Lord of them.” The lyrics also says, “And a friend will not say never, cos the welcome will not end, though it’s hard to let you go, in the Father’s hands we know, that a lifetime’s not too long, to live as friends.”

But how can we develop this relationship with God if not the fact that God has already loved us? In the gospel, Jesus said, “No one can come to me unless the Father draws him.” (Jn 6:65) We have already been drawn by the Father to Jesus. We have all the means, the sacraments, the teachings of the Church and the fellowship of the Christian community. So we have no excuse. Are we willing to respond in love to the Father through Christ as David did? If we are serious about our prayer life and cultivate a deep love for the Word of God, then surely, we too will find the capacity to love like David and Jesus.