[stephenkhoo]

03 April, 2012, Tuesday of Holy Week
DEALING WITH BETRAYAL

SCRIPTURE READINGS: ISAIAH 49:1–6; JOHN 13:21-38

One of the most painful experiences of life is to be betrayed by those whom we love dearly and deeply. The deeper the trust and love, the more pain we suffer. This is true in all relationships, whether of close friends, among colleagues and particularly in marriage. Once betrayal is discovered, it is extremely difficult to repair the relationship, for trust has been broken. Without trust, no relationship can ever blossom, since no communication is possible. The intimacy of love is dependent solely on trust. A relationship cannot thrive as there is no fertile ground to germinate the seed of love when one lives in constant suspicion of the other party. That is why, although we know from experience that setbacks, disappointments, frustrations in relationships happen in life, we must still choose to trust again, otherwise we are doomed to loneliness.

Yet, the fact remains that today’s relationships are so fragile. Many marriages are not what they are supposed to be. Many couples not only do not share their bed, but their lives as well. They are living in their own world, oblivious to the needs and feelings of their partners. The temptations to betrayal are many.

One could be due to ambition. This perhaps was the case of Judas. Scholars suggest that he betrayed Jesus because being a Zealot, he wanted Jesus to act against the Roman conquerors and restore Israel back to its former glory. His motive for handing Jesus over to His enemies was to force Jesus into a defensive and then offensive mode. So it could be because of ambition. In our case, very often, it is ambition that causes relationships to become distant. Husbands and wives have little time for each other to share their joys and woes. The relationship tends to be merely functionary in nature; keeping the household going and looking after the needs of their children and loved ones. Among colleagues, we betray each other through gossiping, backbiting and even slandering for the sake of promotion, recognition and acceptance. We put the other person down so that we can be seen in a better light by others, especially our superiors.

Another reason for betrayal could be greed, as suggested in the scriptures. Judas was in charge of the fund and it could be because of greed that he sold out Jesus. Earlier on, he complained about Mary being wasteful in anointing Jesus’ feet with expensive ointment. Judas was greedy and stingy. One of the capital sins, greed causes even close friends and relatives to betray each other. For the love of money, we are willing to compromise and cheat on our friends and loved ones. We borrow money and never return. Some even resort to stealing. Greed is often the cause of people taking bribes and committing criminal breach of trust. This innate desire to have more and more causes us to betray the trust given to us.

But more often than not, betrayal is due to fear. This was the case for Peter and the apostles. They feared for their lives and hence they ran away, even though they had earlier professed that they would even die for their master. But when it came to the crunch, they all abandoned Him. They were just being human! So, too, in our present day relationships. In good times, we make all kinds of promises to our spouse and loved ones. But when the crunch comes, when our loved ones are not so lovable because of illness, problems at work or at home, etc, we are not so understanding, supportive or caring. At the end of the day, most of us care more for ourselves than others. Our needs and security come before others. It is rare for people to put their lives and happiness before others. When we are healthy and self-sufficient, it is easy to talk about service and care for others. But when we are suffering and in pain, it is difficult to still think of others. So often, betrayal in relationships happen because the other party is neglected. Most of the time, adultery happens because spouses take each other for granted. They fail to be sensitive to the needs of their partner. When a marriage is reduced to a superficial relationship, then it is at risk because everyone needs emotional support, intimacy, love and understanding. When a relationship fails, it is easy to point the finger at the other party, but in truth, if we have loved our spouse enough, why would he or she turn to someone else?

So how should we react in the face of betrayal? Our immediate reaction is often dismay, which turns to disbelief, anger, resentment and sometimes revenge. But such reactive emotions will only destroy us. When we are unforgiving and harbor hatred and revenge, we will sink further into depression and anger. By not forgiving and letting go, we allow anger to eat us up. Sure, we can feel sad and disappointed like the Suffering Servant and Jesus Himself. The Suffering Servant, with deep regret said, “…while I was thinking, I have toiled in vain, I have exhausted myself for nothing.” Indeed, this is our normal human response when we feel cheated, because all our efforts and sacrifices seem to have gone to the wind. Jesus too, was deeply troubled in spirit. He must have felt discouraged that in spite of His love for Judas and His disciples, they would betray Him, particularly when He saw through the disciples; that behind all their professions of love and loyalty, their words were mere rhetoric. He knew them too well; that they were cowards and could not be trusted.

How could Jesus remain so calm in the face of betrayal? It was because He knew that God was in control. He knew that everything was in the hands of His Father and no human sin can wreck the divine plan of God. Identifying Himself with the Suffering Servant, He knew that God will vindicate Him eventually. The prophet said, “You are my servant (Israel) in whom I shall be glorified’; while I was thinking, ‘I have toiled in vain, I have exhausted myself for nothing’; and all the while my cause was with the Lord, my reward with my God. I was honoured in the eyes of the Lord, my God was my strength.” Indeed, in such moments, we must continue to trust in the Lord.

Like the Suffering Servant, we must not feel that all is lost. We must look beyond the rain to see the rainbow. We must transcend the pain and look at the joy ahead. We must see beyond the hurts inflicted on us and look at the pain from the perspective of the traitor. If we look at them with love and compassion, we will be able to see that they are as hurt as we are, insecure, lonely and frightened, seeking for love and attention and finding their security. So before we condemn them and write them off, remember that their betrayal of our love only serves to highlight that we are not reaching out to them sufficiently to assure them of our love and to heal them of their brokenness. Truly, we must not see that all is lost. Perhaps, such failures in love should only challenge us not to take our loved ones for granted but give us greater will to work out and improve the relationship. If we continue to work on the relationship, we can still salvage what has been lost. When we remember the good times and the beautiful memories we have had, that will give us hope again.

Secondly, in the face of betrayal, Jesus remained conscious of His mission. He knew that He was sent by the Father. He remembered the words of the Suffering Servant, “And now the Lord has spoken, he who formed me in the womb to be his servant, to bring Jacob back to him, to gather Israel to him: ‘It is not enough for you to be my servant, to restore the tribes of Jacob and bring back the survivors of Israel; I will make you the light of the nations so that my salvation may reach to the ends of the earth’.” What about us? Have we forgotten our mission and our promise to each other when we committed ourselves to our spouse or to our friends? We have a mission to help each other to grow in love and be healed in our brokenness and loneliness. Have we forgotten all the aspirations we then shared, of how we want to spend our lives together, making each other our soul-mate, sharing the joys and sorrows of life for our good and those entrusted to us, especially our children, loved ones or those under our care? Remembering our mission will help us to keep focused when the going gets tough. So long as we keep our focus on our vocation in life, no matter how difficult it is, no matter how many times we have failed to be faithful to our vocation and our partner, we can pick ourselves up like Peter and continue to live out our calling. We must not be like Judas who forgot about his vocation and calling in the face of failure. Let us remember once again, “The Lord called me before I was born, from my mother’s womb he pronounced my name.”

Finally, in dealing with betrayal, let us look at Jesus, or rather, allow Jesus to look at us. As we approach the passion, we are called to look and contemplate on Jesus. When Jesus looked at Peter at the third crow of the cock, Peter wept and repented. Let us look directly into the eyes of our Lord too, as Isaiah says, “The crowds were appalled on seeing him – so disfigured did he look that he seemed no longer human – so will the crowds be astonished at him …”(Isa 52:14) Likewise, when we look at our traitors after having looked at the Lord whom we have betrayed, we too can forgive them because like them, we have hurt the Lord and deeply grieved His heart a thousand times more. And for those of us who have betrayed our loved ones, let us come before the Lord and let Him look at us with sorrow and compassion; and let us contemplate on the beautiful icon of our Lady of Perpetual Succour looking at us with sorrowful eyes, urging us to repent and return to our loved ones and to Him. Only the sorrowful eyes of God and our loved ones whom we have betrayed can convict us to the quick and make us repent of our lack of fidelity.